- Krist Novoselic
||Nardwuar The Human Serviette
Nardwuar: You're listening to CiTR Radio and we have a surprise phone-caller here today…
Krist: Yeah. [laughs]
Nardwuar: Caller who are you?
Krist: [in a deep husky voice] I'm Chris from Nirvana! [coughs]
Nardwuar: The rock group Nirvana?
Krist: The rock band Nirvana… [laughs]
Nardwuar: Why are you in Vancouver tonight, Nirvana?
Krist: Because we have a show. [laughs]
Nardwuar: Is this your first show in Vancouver?
Nardwuar: Of course not! You played here last time with Sonic Youth!
Krist: [in a high-pitched voice] Right-on, man! [laughs] Yeah, we played with Sonic Youth and we played before too, with TAD, the band TAD… [laughs]
Nardwuar: So this is your third time in Vancouver, British Columbia, then?!
Krist: [in a high-pitched voice] Well, right-on, brother! [laughs]
Nardwuar: The rock band Nirv-ANA from Seattle, Washington?
Krist: "Arna"… "arna"… We're from Tacoma and Olympia.
Nardwuar: Tacoma, home of the Girl Trouble?
Krist: Girl Trouble, The Sonics… white trash.
Nardwuar: Inspector Luv And The Ride Me Babies?
Krist: Oh, whatever! [laughs]
Nardwuar: So when you were hearing that you were coming to Vancouver, British Columbia, again, Mr. Nirvana… Chris? Mr. Nirvana Chris?
Krist: Uh huh, uh huh.
Nardwuar: Do many guys in Sub Pop bands have the name Chris?
Krist: I dunno…
Nardwuar: How many Chrises are there in… on… should I say Geffen bands now?
Krist: Yeah, Geffen bands.
Nardwuar: What are some Chrises in Geffen bands?
Krist: Well, Axl's real name is Chris, Slash's real name is Chris, Cher's real name is Chris…
Nardwuar: Jon Auer from The Posies real name is…
Krist: Is Chris!
Nardwuar: So, being Nirvana, you've been linked up together with our big friends The Posies…
Krist: Yeah, right-on, right-on…
Nardwuar: Who are Bleach?
Krist: Who are Bleach? Well, Bleach has many uses, household type things… you can, like, clean things with it… you can mix it with ammonia and totally pass out, see god… y'know?
Nardwuar: Now, Nirvana… It's been quoted that the Screaming Trees like Nirvana, do Nirvana like the Screaming Trees?
Krist: We love those guys! We love those guys a lot…
Nardwuar: So it's gonna be such a good show tonight that people are gonna be turned away at the door!
Krist: That's too bad, I hope not! Y'know? I'm praying for each one of those souls… I mean, we're having a prayer circle outside, we're hanging our heads, saying, "God, if you're gonna pull through, let everybody in…" because, y'know?
Nardwuar: Who are The Doughboys?
Krist: They're these guys from Montreal, Canada.
Nardwuar: Is it true that you met them the other night? They told me that you met them the other night.
Krist: Yeah, that's right, in Calgary… Calgary, Alberta.
Nardwuar: And you had a coffee with them?
Krist: No, we smoked hash in a hotel room!
Nardwuar: Are drugs bad, Nirvana?
Krist: No, no, no, no! Drugs are the key! Remember the Burning Bush and Moses? Ha, ha! Everything else is just cruising…
Nardwuar: As I said earlier… did Moses spill his seed?
Krist: I dunno, man… Y'know, the seed of love… plant the seed of love and you watch the tree grow, right? [laughs]
Nardwuar: So when you were hearing that you were coming to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, what was the first thought that popped into your mind? "Wow, gee, we'll be headlining as Nirvana, that's great! We're headlining!"
Krist: No, Screaming Trees are headlining.
Nardwuar: But was that your…
Krist: I thought, "Oh, Canadian beer, alright!"
Nardwuar: And that's good?
Krist: High alcohol content. [laughs]
Nardwuar: How about when you… have you ever been to the Commodore Ballroom before?
Krist: Never ever.
Nardwuar: Have you been in there yet?
Krist: Yes, I have.
Nardwuar: How would you describe it to the listeners?
Krist: Springy… springing… you can jump up and down… when you pogo, if everyone pogos collectively, the whole floor… 'cause the floor's like a springy floor, it's amazing!
Nardwuar: Is there a word that Nirvana likes to hear when they're playing?
Krist: Like, yeah, "Fuck you!" And uhhh… [laughs]
Nardwuar: A constant stream of that?
Krist: No… what do we like to hear? Anything, really! We like to hear your comments, so write to Nirvana p.o. box blah blah blah [laughs]
Nardwuar: You don't have… Where's your p.o. box?
Krist: It's on the back of the record.
Nardwuar: But the record is out?
Krist: Yeah, the Bleach record.
Nardwuar: Not the brand new Geffen record? Gef-FEN…
Krist: [In a high-pitched voice] The Gef-FEN record is coming out in June or July. [laughs]
Nardwuar: Now, isn't there a Vancouver band that gonna be on Geffen?
Krist: There's a lot of bands on Geffen, why the hell did we even go there?
Nardwuar: Isn't there a Vancouver band that's gonna be one Geffen? A band that you just love the ashes of, don't you?
Nardwuar: You know those guys from the band Slow from Vancouver? Their new band Copyright, aren't they going to be on Geffen, Chris of Nirvana?
Krist: Well, I dunno! I don't keep tabs on Geffen!
Nardwuar: You don't keep tabs on your label-mates?
Krist: [laughs] Oh, well… we're new to this place and we're just kinda assimilating ourselves, we don't wanna step on any toes or anything! We're talking good about anybody, whether we like them or not, because that's the way the industry goes, brother! So, hey, we'll do lunch tomorrow and y'know…
Nardwuar: On this bill, who gets to soundcheck first? Screaming Trees? Nirvana? The Doughboys? Wongs?
Krist: Well, I leave that to the soundmen, man! People get paid to worry about that stuff! I just kinda show up and do what I gotta do, you know what I mean?
Nardwuar: And what could that be? What sort of vintage instruments do you play?
Krist: Oh, man! Well, we're gonna have a total spread in Guitar World! It's just gonna be for me, I'm gonna be on the cover of it! It's gonna be "The Vintage Instruments of Chris Novoselic," where I'm gonna be playing a classic collectible guitar worth $10,000.
Nardwuar: A Hofner Batman type looking guitar?
Krist: Yeah! There you go! With all these [inaudible] knobs on it and built-in fuzz. [laughs]
Nardwuar: So really, what is Vancouver known for, Chris of Nirvana?
Krist: Oh, what is Vancouver known for? Loverboy… uhhhh, no left-hand turn lanes. [laughs]
Nardwuar: And you ask me what is Seattle…
Nardwuar: Expo '86, Invite The World In… the invitation still stands! That's why you're coming back! Now ask me "What is Seattle known for?"
Nardwuar: Ask me!
Krist: [inaudible] city in the United States…
Nardwuar: No, ask ME!
Krist: Oh, what's Seattle known for?
Nardwuar: Say, "What is Seattle known for, Nardwuar?"
Krist: What's Seattle known for, Nardwuar?
Nardwuar: Seattle's known for Queensryche!
Nardwuar: Ya, aren't they…
Krist: Oh, yeah! That's right! I forgot about those guys.
Nardwuar: Or have I got that totally wrong?
Krist: Yeah, whatever, y'know? Everything to be put into perspective…
Nardwuar: And what are Quuensryche doing today?
Krist: I dunno! Singing their songs of love and hope and charity… they're talking straight to you and me!
Nardwuar: And what are Loverboy doing today?
Krist: They're doing the same thing! Well, I heard that they moved… they've adapted a monastic monastery, or whatever. [laughs]
Nardwuar: Actually, you can buy Loverboy postcards in LA… in LA! In LA, Vancouver!
Krist: Really? Do you know anybody who has a Mike Reno headband?
Nardwuar: I know where Mike Reno lives! He lives in West Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada!
Krist: No way! No way!
Nardwuar: You can go to his house and say, "Mike Reno, Mike Reno, Mike Reno, Mike Reno!" And when he comes out of the driveway, I was yelling… actually, I was yelling, "Paul Dean, Paul Dean, Paul Dean, Paul Dean!" and it was really Mike Reno! And I yelled over to him and said, "Were you in Loverboy?" And he yelled back, "what do you mean, 'Were'?!" He's still in Loverboy! Mike Reno!
Krist: Damn right! See, that was a faux pas! He probably will never forgive you!
Nardwuar: And you know what, Chris of Nirvana? You know Paul Dean of Loverboy? The guitarist Paul Dean from Vancouver, managed by Bruce Allen, who has been on this very phone-line that you've been on…
Nardwuar: Bruce Allen from Vancouver… Paul Dean of Loverboy said, "Keyboards are sort of like condoms, you should only use them when you have to." Do Nirvana share that sentiment?
Krist: [laughs] Whatever! Yeah, yeah we do… we use them like diaphragms, we just leave them in for a few days at a time.
Nardwuar: Or would you say, Chris of Nirvana, would you say that second guitar is sort of like condoms, you only need them when you have to?
Krist: Oh, we might pick up a second guitar player, we had one for a while…
Nardwuar: And what happened to him?
Krist: Oh, long story! Ask Soundgarden. [laughs]
Nardwuar: Is he a nice guy?
Krist: Yeah, I guess he was a nice guy.
Nardwuar: So you're coming to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada - is this the start of a worldwide… worldwide domination?
Krist: That's right, we're gonna rule the world! We're gonna have a corporate headquarters on Madison Avenue in New York City, I'm gonna have this giant desk… [laughs] in my 3-piece suit…
Nardwuar: How do you get paid when you're a rockstar? Does Geffen mail you a cheque weekly or daily?
Krist: Oh, you just have your manager screw money out of them! Y'know, my dinner's ready… what's your name? Hob-wuar?
Nardwuar: Nard- Nard- Nardwuar…
Krist: And I'm holding up the phone…
Nardwuar: Oh! Oh, sorry about that there, Mr. Chris of Nirvana! Two things first - can you do a little lyrical sampling for the people out there in radio land?
Krist: What do you want me to say?
Nardwuar: Well, do some Nirvana tune just quick?
Krist: OK, uhhh… la la la la dee dee bop bah doo doo doo… how's that?
Nardwuar: That's pretty good. And now can you tell me what you know about Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Krist: He's short and he has a funny haircut.
Nardwuar: And now introduce this next segment for me. You say, "Nardwuar will now ask Flea and the Heavy Metal Panel some questions."
Krist: Nardwuar will now ask Flea and the Heavy Metal Panel some questions.
Nardwuar: Thanks so much, Nirvana!
Krist: God bless you, Nardwuar!
Nardwuar: Keep on rocking forward and make sure that people yell at you in the audience…
Nardwuar: People should yell what at you?
Krist: Whatever, uhhh… "Peace pop microdot."
Nardwuar: No! That's not true! You're supposed to yell what?
Krist: Uhhh… Uhhh… "Woohoo, rock on dude!"
Nardwuar: No, that's not what you said before. People are supposed to yell what at you?
Krist: Uhhh… uhhh… "What's your home phone number?" No, ummm… they're supposed to yell… [laughs] "Someone's in your van"… I gotta really go, man! They're eating and I'm…
Nardwuar: They're supposed to yell "Fuck You" at you! You said that earlier!
Krist: [gasps] Who said that?! Don't put words in my mouth, Nardwuar!
Nardwuar: No, no…
Krist: I don't have to take this shit… y'know… why don't you just… why don't you just fuck off and die?! [hangs up]
Nardwuar: Thank… you… Flea? Flea?
© Nardwuar, 1991